It seems like one of the biggest themes in my work is around forgiveness. Whether it is about forgiving yourself for a mistake or someone close for bad behavior, I talk about forgiveness a lot. And people really struggle with it. I think sometimes it is because we assume that we have to “forgive and forget.” The forgetting is often impossible – how do you forgive a partner for cheating if it means forgetting that it ever happened? Forgetting feels like denial of how you have been hurt, and like a serious risk factor in it happening again. And quite frankly, we can’t forget something like that. So, how do we forgive? I think sometimes we need different language. Maybe it isn’t about forgiving as much as it is about letting go. About letting go of the hurt and anger, and choosing to not put energy towards it any more. About moving on “as if” you don’t need your hurt or your anger to protect you from this happening again.

I have been thinking about public shaming a lot over the last while – especially about how hard it is to get over it. We have probably all had the experience of getting caught doing something we shouldn’t have (parking carelessly) or not doing something we should have (picking up dog poop) and being called out on it by a complete stranger. We know we’re wrong – why do we feel so defensive? I think it might come back to how it doesn’t feel fair because it doesn’t take into account the bigger picture. That we were in a hurry and didn’t see how we were parking or that we pick up after the dog 99% of the time but didn’t have a bag that once. Or maybe even that we really ARE a good person overall and not deserving of being judged by one incident. The context of behavior is so important, and public shaming never gives us a chance to have our behavior judged in context.

There is a lot of information around the symptoms of depression – poor sleep, poor concentration, low motivation, etc.. But somehow, the descriptions from my clients add a dimension that helps to understand better what depression is like.

• It is like being 400 pounds. It is hard to drag yourself around, and takes a lot of energy to do even small things. And people look at you and judge.

• It is like walking in a fog. It is gray and cold, and terribly lonely. And you can’t see a way out.

• It is like living in the bottom of a pit. You know you should climb the ladder to the top but it is such a long way and so hard to climb.

• It is like being a robot - just going through the motions. Not really believing in anything, including yourself or the future. Not caring, not hoping.

When you hear from someone that they are struggling with depression, put yourself in one of these descriptions and it may help you to understand a bit better.

I really want to be able to say that I exercise every day. That I always take my vitamins and that I meditate regularly. That I am assertive in my workplace and manage conflict well. That I am always nice to my husband and to my dog. That I don’t watch much TV or waste time on the internet and that I go to bed early. That I never worry, am never anxious, and never think negatively. I want that, but honesty compels me to admit that I am not that person. Sometimes that has me feeling like a hypocrite as I talk to others about doing (or not doing) exactly those things. But I try and remember that it makes me human, and I hope that it makes it easier for me to understand just how hard it can be to change, or to be less than perfect. And I think it highlights just how easy it is to beat up on yourself. So, I will promise to celebrate the days I take my vitamins or am assertive or get enough sleep, if you will too.